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Favorite Quotes of a Ninja These are MidwestNinja's favorite quotes of all time. They are many but great. If you scroll all the way to the bottom, you'll find a special section dedicated to Adam Carolla. MISCELLANEOUS“Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself." “Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. “ “If you truly love something set it free, if it doesn't come back hunt it down and kill it.” “Your conscience does not stop you from doing evil things; it just stops you from enjoying them.” “Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate” “Last night as I lay in bed looking up at the stars, I thought, "Hey, where the hell is the ceiling?"” “The key to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” (this was MidwestNinja's senior quote in high school) “All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.” “A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.“ “Sex on the television can’t hurt you, unless you fall off.” “Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.” “If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. “ "We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool." "The only way that nicotine patch is going to help me, is if I roll it and smoke it." "Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels great, but then you realize that you're just fucking yourself." “If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s get wasted together, and have the time of our lives.” "I'm going crazy, and you're in the driver's seat." "As you walk down that great highway of life, ask yourself this one important question: Why don't I own a car?" "I always take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila." "Here's to living single, sleeping double, and seeing triple." Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. “Life moves pretty fast, but if you stop and look around once in awhile, you’re more likely to get rear-ended." “When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.” “The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything that comes along
their way.” SOMEBODY IMPORTANT/QUASI-IMPORTANT, SAID IT"God is a comedian, playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh." -Voltaire "I like the escalator 'cause it can never break. It can only become stairs." - Mitch Hedberg "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." -Albert Einstein "Some people look at a newspaper and see stories. I see the paper, and the ink, and the way it's folded." -Jerry Seinfeld "Men are simple creatures with three basic needs: food, shelter, and blow jobs." -Reed Tucker (Cosmopolitan) "A man who does not marry is a coward, as is a woman who does." - Max Perkins "To Do is to Be...
"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up" - The Ataris "I'm quickly losing interest, I really hope I find it" – Lucky Boys Confusion "I'm in a weird mood; I haven't been the same since my birth." -Steven Wright. "A haiku: "When you look in the mirror, you can either see a guy who gets stuff done, or a guy who gets stuff done to him." -Adam Carolla “Yesterday’s joke can easily become today’s superstar – and woe to those who forget vice versa.” –Ira Robbins, liner notes of Adam Ant’s Antics in the Forbidden Zone. “Americans use statistics like drunks use lampposts- for support, not illumination.” -Huff "this father's nose was so big that if you took each of his nose hairs, tied them together, and put a hook on the end, you could stand on the moon and fish in lake michigan." -Mark Leyner (author, My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist) “Writer’s block is just a fancy term made up by writers so they have an excuse to drink alcohol.” –Steve Martin "Be normal and they'll accept you. Be deranged and they'll make you their leader." -Christopher Titus “If you love someone, set them free. If they come home, set them on fire.” – George Carlin “When I’m good, I’m good. When I’m bad, I’m better.” –May West “You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone”. -Al Capone “Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy-- in a jar on my desk”. -Stephen King “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” -Dr. Suess “As a brunette people may take you more seriously, but as a blonde you definitely get your latte quicker” - - Kathryn Morris, Cold Case “The beach is something Americans do well…our nation began with a beach – the Pilgrims landing and getting stoked and buying up beach front properties. And our entire history – Manifest Destiny - has basically been an attempt to get to the other (better) beaches on the West Coast.” –Jim Nelson, GQ "My congregation was so liberal we prayed 'to whom it may concern.'" - Jeremy Piven "God wants you to laugh. God has a sense of humor. If
you don't believe me, go to Wal-Mart tomorrow and just watch people." -
Carlos Mencia FILM/TV/RADIO:"Dear Ben Affleck, How could someone so boring and bland be so famous? I've had paraplegic waiters who brought more to the table." - some guy on Premium Blend "The mainstream is so aptly considered a "stream" because it's so shallow." - George Carlin “You can stretch the truth. You can stretch taffy, and that makes it more delicious!” - The Colbert Report “There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?” –Jeff Anderson (Clerks) Alec: "You're being arrested for drunk driving" "When life gives you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone whose life's given them vodka, and have a party." - Blue Collar Comedy “You can't have a ‘slaughter’ without ‘laughter.’" - Drawn Together Shannon:: “You wanna say something? "Ouiser: I am just about at the end of my rope with
you. "I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide... You're not going anywhere." –Seinfeld "I'm a steamroller of truth repaving the highways of democracy. Expect delays." - Stephen Colbert "We had two bags of grass, 75 pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole multicolored collection of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can." -Johnny Depp, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas "C'mon, you look like the type of guy who'd beg for sex. I should know, we can smell our own." –Jason Lee Mallrats “Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Don't dream it, be it.” –Tim Curry (Rocky Horror Picture Show) Bluto: “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. D-Day: “War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one. "The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." –Philip Seymour Hoffman (Almost Famous) "This is ri-goddam-diculous!" -Dr. Evil (Austin Powers) “There is no spoon.” – Neo (The Matrix) “Drink your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do milk.” –SNL (Mr. T cartoon) "Save your tears, Moe. Save 'em in a shot glass." -Homer Simpson Grandpa: “What’s your favorite book in the Bible?” “Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, but socially dead.” –Animaniacs "The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody, but still nobody likes him." -The Steve Dahl Show “Even a broken clock is right twice a day.” –Big Red
gum commercial PEOPLE YOU NEVER HEARD OF SAID IT, WHICH MAKES THEM REAL INCONSEQUENTIAL IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS “You could conquer Canada with a Volkswagen and a stick.” –Josh Durbin "Some people see the glass as half empty. Some people see the glass as half full. I just wonder who the hell is drinking my beer." - my favorite t-shirt “It’s not how deep you fish, it’s how you wiggle your worm.” – Linda’s t-shirt "This girl told me she'd had sex on a gold course. I made the mistake of asking 'Which hole?'" – Bobby Burgess web journal “I’m romantic. I’ll make a girl breakfast in bed. And by “breakfast in bed,” I mean I’ll get out of the backseat and buy her an Egg McMuffin.” – Mark Johnson "You have a good heart. And that goes a long way, until a better-looking man comes around, with the same heart as you, who shows interest in your girl. Then you may as well just hand her over." - Andrew Damiani “I'm really glad you exist, just do it over there." –
Steve Annen ADAM CAROLLA SAID IT ON LOVELINE: These are groundbreaking ideas and tangents gone on by the amazingly brilliant Adam Carolla on his radio show, Loveline, with Dr. Drew. Someday he'll thank me for writing these down and preserving them for posterity. The hospital shower is really the best shower to have sex because you got all those handles and the grip floor in there. You got your bench in there too. They even mop up for you after. I mean, your regular shower you're bangin' your head against the soap dish, it's real uncomfortable. Your ass is like a roulette wheel. This woman comes into the beauty shop for her monthly mustache bleaching and I'm thinking, "What's the point"? What are you doing? You're changing the fuzz from dark to blond. Like we're not going to see the blond. Come on. This is gong out of style, right? You haven't gotten rid of anything. Now it's like Nick Nolte from the 70s. That's the difference. Now we're dating Nick Nolte with a blond mustache. You know what's missing from all of those Army commercials they got now? The Enemy. You got guys repelling off helicopters, landing in swamps, why? There's no one there! It's like, up at 04:00, 04:50, repel off helicopter, 05:00, crawl through swamp. I wish they'd be truthful, like the old commercials, back in the '70s. It was like, 09:00, bomb a village of Gooks, 11:00, smoke some marijuana out of a human skull. I mean then they were honest. If you always have a ten-course meal every night, then it's no surprise that you haven't been to a buffet. Same thing with masturbation. If you jack off five times a day, there's no reason to go out and find a chick. You've lost your chi; you've lost all your motivation. Now, on the other hand, if you haven't gone at it in a week and your mom calls you're like, "So what are you wearing"? When I was sixteen I wanted to act out sexually, I just couldn't find anyone to act out on. You should treat your body like a car. You can't turn a Datsun into a Ferrari. What you do is, keep it clean, keep it running, change the fluids, maybe tint the windows a little. You make your Nissan Centra the best looking of all the Nissans. Same with your body. Just eat right, drink a lot of water, and take a bunch of heroin and you'll lose weight in no time. If a woman had ten orgasms while I was in the goddamn neighborhood I wouldn't stop talking about it for weeks. For me to get an orgasm out of a woman is like Geraldo trying to get into Al Capone's vault. What comes outta me is like a salty bleach. What comes out of him is like what you put on a Sundae. I wonder if he whacks off on Sunday? John Rocker is more comfortable at a Kwanzaa celebration than men are on Valentine’s Day. A family could buy a 32 oz. Can of Vaseline on their kid's 3rd birthday, and it'll last until he turns fourteen. Then between his 14th and 16th birthdays, they'll go through about six of those cans. All of this "Does she like me? Should I ask her out?" is totally unimportant. When you're an adult you're gonna look back on this as complete waste of time. It's like when you're three and you see the big Clifford balloon at the Macy Day Parade, and you're scared shitless of it. But now you know it's just a bunch of helium and fabric. A woman could have a coronary (during sex) and lie there perfectly still, and the guy wouldn't know, or stop. Women masturbate to men they would never have sex with. Men masturbate to women they would like to have sex with, in lieu of having sex. Anthony's (Kedis) being critiqued by a guy who can't blow himself 'cause his gut's in the way. No butt love; it makes the baby Jesus cry.
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